this beer tastes like vomit already
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
