im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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