hotel room ftw
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
