I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Be still, my beating vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
