So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
