my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
