I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
