I want to walk on stilts...naked
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
