And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
