God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
