dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
