I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
