she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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