I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
