Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
