I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
