Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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