sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
