remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
