the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
