I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
