I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
