Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I AM VODKA MAN
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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