I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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