I heard we made out
The maid of honor just puked.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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