I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
