Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
