did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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