You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
