I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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