Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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