Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
