At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
