he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
