I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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