After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
