Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
