On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
