On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
