um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
