Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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