im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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