The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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