I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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