I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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