Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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