fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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