So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
