I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
