three words: i give head
three words: not that well
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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