His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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