I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
